Part iv. Depression, Escapism, and High School
Trigger warning: mentions of CPTSD, depression, dysfunctional household, grooming, domestic violence and mental illness
Portrait of my sister, 1997/1998, charcoal
THE BEDTIME STORY
When we were little, my dad used to tell us bedtime stories. One of our favorites was the epic tale of Ramayana. Rama was a prince who won the hand of the beautiful princess Sita. At one point, Sita is kidnapped by the demon king Ravanna and taken to the island of Lanka. Rama must seek the help of the monkey king Hanuman. Together with his Monkey army, they build a bridge to the island. Then Rama and his army are all able to cross the water and defeat the evil king. They return with Sita to their homeland, where Rama is crowned King. It is a timeless tale of good vs. evil and perseverance against all odds.
MOVING BACK TO GARDNER
In spite of my father breaking the law and betraying me (birthday party incident), my relationship with my mother was so bad, I still preferred to live with him. So when I was finally able, in the summer following freshman year of high school (9th grade), I moved back down to Gardner, Massachusetts to live with him and my stepmother.
I moved into a new house my dad and stepmom had recently purchased, an old colonial which was built in the 1700's or 1800's. There was very little insulation and it was in need of constant repair, but it was massive and had an elegant presence. There were three floors, and it had been separated into four apartments. We lived downstairs and my dad rented the upstairs apartments for extra income.
Gardner was a former industrial city, with many factory mill buildings where the Simplex time recorder clock was invented and furniture companies rose and fell. It is known therefore as “The Chair City" and there is a giant chair in the middle of the city you can climb atop, and it is rumored to be a “make-out spot” for teenagers. Gardner also loves rotaries (or round-a-bouts) and there are at least three in the main part of town. The landscape also included a Friendly's restaurant (burgers and ice cream), some major fast food chains, a few gas stations, Ocean State Job Lot, and on the outskirts of the city, a relatively new Walmart. Walmart was one of the highlights for residents, where they could buy up new products at affordable prices. Some young people liked to go there just to pass the time. There was a pond not far from my house where I could walk around to relax, and many forests with hiking paths.
The Chair City
I was delighted to be reunited with my
best friend Zuzka, and she was a positive influence on me. She was
(and still is) one of the most intelligent, caring, and thoughtful
people I know. This was in the age before cell phones. I used to
walk to her house and knock on the door to see if she was home, and
she did the same. She lived just down the street from me. Her mom
would cook some tasty vegan food for us, and their fridge was always
stocked with Tofutti Cuties (vegan ice cream).
ON BECOMING VEGAN
One of the earliest memories I have is from when I was three or four at my Grandma's cottage. My uncle is catching a fish, and reels it in. It hangs from the line, thrashing violently in a fruitless attempt to escape. He rips the hook out from the mouth and hands it to my grandmother. I'm curious, following her steps. Where is she taking it? I follow her into the kitchen. I'm little, I can't yet look over the counters. My eye-line is below her hip. I see her set the fish on a cutting board. She pulls out a large knife, and cuts it down the middle. Its tail is still trashing as she pulls its stringy innards from the chest cavity, gills are still moving as life slowly drains. She feels no empathy for it, she is cold and mechanical as she continues to cut. I remember being shocked by this callous treatment of a living, breathing animal, and this memory stayed embedded in my mind.
By the time I had moved back to Gardner, I had been vegetarian for about 3 years. Zuzka educated me about factory farming and the dairy industry, and good reasons for being vegan. I wasn't sure if I could give up cheese, yogurt, and ice cream, but she showed me the vegan substitutes each time, and I was sold. The only thing that was a tough sell was vegan cheese (at the time) but I wasn't big into cheese anyway so it didn't bother me. So I started eating vegan at 15 years old and I never went back. Again, I noticed subtle changes in my physiology; I felt lighter and more energized. I was also glad to not be contributing to an industry that hurts animals.
Most of our Indian family was vegetarian by culture and Hindu religion. My dad had given that up when he became American. He even started to eat the forbidden meat, beef. My mother had been a vegetarian for as long as I can remember. My stepmom was mostly vegetarian. Going towards a vegetarian/ vegan diet wasn't totally unheard of in our family
THE HIGH SCHOOL
I started at Gardner High School in the fall as a sophomore. I remember going into the guidance counselor's office and our first conversation. My grades the previous year in NH had been mediocre and there had been only one difficulty level per subject available, and therefore she underestimated my abilities (and my wish to be challenged). She was suggesting all lower level classes, and I spoke up and told her I wanted to be put into all the hardest classes. She showed hesitation, and I said “trust me. “She said “ok, if it's too much we can always change things around.” So I was put into the Honors classes except when there was a scheduling conflict I had to take level below, CP (college prep).
I was especially excited to start art classes at the new school. The art teacher, Mr. Lariviere, I had met briefly before while I was in 7th grade. He had made a good impression on me back then. He showed interest in my work and he was very knowledgeable about art and famous artists.
It was everything I was missing in New Hampshire. I really thrived in this new educational environment. I was excited to be challenged, and supported by great teachers.
The report card from NH. Absent 11 days
STEPMOTHER
My relationship with my stepmom was rocky, and at times tumultuous. When she initially came, she didn't speak much English. She was quiet and mostly observed us. When she became more proficient in English she began asserting herself. She attempted to be like a mother to me and control me. We were so close in age (She was 10 years older), and I saw her more as a cousin or older sister than a mom. I also had been so disillusioned by my parents, I wasn't ready to accept a new authority figure out of nowhere. I let her know in no uncertain terms that she was not my mother, that she should leave me alone and we would be fine. She got the message, but she still asserted herself as the dominant woman of the house, which was fine with me.
Meanwhile, she was looking at us girls for clues on how to be “American.” She had lived in India all her life and had no idea about American culture and way of life. She was curious about the products I was using and the clothes I would wear. Sometimes she stole things from me, small things, like shampoo and lotion. I thought it was funny more than anything, it was petty and material. I called it out but didn't make a big deal of it.
When there was an argument my dad
almost always took my side. This infuriated my stepmother. It made
our relationship more difficult and she was jealous of my
relationship with my dad. I feel empathy for her now because I understand he was not a good husband.
She and my dad fought a lot, even before I moved in with them. When things were particularly bad she would threatened to leave him, or threaten to commit suicide. I remember one time before I lived with them, when I was visiting, she swallowed a whole bottle of prescription pills. My dad made her throw it up. I think we interpreted her threats to be attention seeking and not genuine. She did not react to my father's negative behaviors in a healthy, productive way (boundaries were non-existent). Sometimes she would go into a rage and throw objects in the house, sometimes she would go in my room and break things. I really didn't like it. My dad and her fought often. One time she slapped him, and he slapped her back.
My stepmother had studied accounting in
India and she continued some studies at the local community college
as well as taking ESL classes. As soon as she was able, she started
working as an accountant. She got a job at the local Walmart.
DAD'S PARENTING STYLE
My father was completely non-controlling and without boundaries. He let me do anything I wanted. He even told me if I wanted any drugs or alcohol, I should let him know. He would buy it for me and we could do it together. I never took him up on it. He thought he was cool to take this approach. I remember some stories he told. Like about the fun he had one time, having done ecstasy (MDMA) with friends and jumping off a bridge into water. Sometimes I came home from school and he was smoking weed with a male friend of his on the lawn. These things were normalized.
All I really wanted at the time was my dad's love, attention, and approval. I still looked up to him as a role model. He was fun, smart, and philosophical. He was very charismatic, and most people liked him based on first impressions. He encouraged me to follow my heart in all things. He didn't take money seriously and disliked materialism. He poked fun at people who valued money and were materialistic.
By that time he had already been personally bankrupt. He wasn't working. He collected disability and pension from a job he had held in Canada. When I was very little and my parents were still together, my dad had been in a bad car accident. A drunk driver collided with his car head-on. He had head trauma, and had chronic back pain after that time. We do wonder how the brain injury could have impacted his judgement and played into his poor decision making. My dad used my stepmother's credit to open more credit cards, and any time he needed to take a loan. He forged her signature sometimes.
My dad had an old sedan he named "Speedy." One time his friends in Boston
started drawing on his car. Instead of being mad he encouraged it. He
offered to my sister's friends to draw on it too. Soon the car was covered
in tags and graffiti. It looked like the car of a drug dealer. He used
to pick us up from school in the car and I was MORTIFIED. I slunk down
in the seat so my classmates wouldn't see me.
My first half-brother was born in 1997, around the time I moved in with them. I refused to change diapers. "Not my baby, not my problem," I thought. I would get annoyed when the baby started crawling and would go in my room and break my things. My dad and stepmother did nothing to stop him, they were even entertained by it. The baby was a sweet thing and he grew on me over time. They went on to have two more boys.
With my brother
ESCAPISM
There was a comic book store in downtown Gardner called Knights Quest. I started going there with my younger sister when she visited. I liked the X-Men comics (after having watched the cartoon), Witchblade, and The Darkness. They held an anime club (Japanese animation) every Saturday, and I started going. The people working there were very welcoming. It was a safe haven for a nerdy and artsy kid like me. They would play around 5 hours of tapes/DVDs and I soaked it all in. They played Ranma ½, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Fushigi Yugi, Dragon Half, and the like. There were a couple guys at the club that told us about Sailor Moon, and they lent us all of the episodes on VHS tape. My sister and I got deep into Sailor Moon after that. We even had the soundtrack on cassette tape and we sang along to it. Whenever we could go to Harvard Square, Cambridge, we visited the two anime stores, Anime Crash and Tokyo Kid. They had anime on VHS and later DVD that you could rent; movies, OVAs and TV series straight from Japan that hadn't been released to the American public yet (subtitles only, which I preferred). From this we watched the newest episodes of Sailor Moon, and some other favorites like The Vision of Escaflowne and Record of the Lodoss Wars.
I continued to listen to the radio and discover new music. I started listening to the rock station WAAF and found some new artists to follow. Upon first listen, I absolutely fell in love with Deftones. Their first song I heard was “My Own Summer.” Their album Around the Fur had just come out (1997) and I picked the CD up. I also bought their previous album, Adrenaline. I related to the emotionality of the songs which expressed sadness, angst, and rage all together. Nu Metal was just starting and was exciting and ground breaking. I got into bands like Korn, Rage Against the Machine, Limp Bizkit, Slipknot. Some of my friends at school were also discovering it, and we were sharing music and going to concerts. I started going to some festivals like Ozzfest, Vans Warped Tour and Lollapalooza, where I continued to learn about more bands. I also kept listening to some grunge/ hard rock bands like Alice in Chains and Stone Temple Pilots. Alice in Chains “Dirt” became a very important album for me. When I was down or depressed I played the song “Down in a Hole” on repeat.
There were a couple guys renting an apartment upstairs from my dad. They had a local rock band. One of the guys took a liking to me when he saw I was interested in music. He asked me about what bands I was into. I remember him giving me some CDs, mainly AIC “Jar of Flies,” which I absolutely loved. If I could, I would thank him today.
In the mid 90's piercing also became popular. I got my labret (chin) pierced.
Around this time, we got our first Internet connection through America Online (AOL). It was a dial up modem connected via phone line. I got my first AIM handle and sometimes went into chat rooms about music or anime.
More Pre-Raphaelite art, unicorn, fashion and band magazine clippings, anime art
DEPRESSION
I was going to annual checkups with a doctor. I had free health insurance from the state. During one checkup my doctor suspected that I was depressed. She ordered me to go talk to a therapist. It must have been someone who worked with that insurance. I listened to my doctor and I went. I was not impressed with the therapist. She seemed fake to me, and not genuinely interested in helping me. She asked me about my home life and I told her that my dad and stepmother were fighting a lot, and that my stepmother fought with me too. The sessions continued but never progressed. It would just be the same questions again and again. How is it now? Are you still fighting? Yes. Eventually I didn't see the point and I told her that everything was better now and I stopped going. Today I see this as a missed opportunity to have gotten some much needed help. Either the therapist wasn't a good fit, or maybe I wasn't ready to talk about the deeper issues. Also, the science on CPTSD also wasn't well understood yet. There was barely information about regular PTSD at that time.
In adulthood, my older sister (the
doctor) shared with me an ACE questionnaire, which is used today to
determine if the patient has had one or more adverse events in
childhood. My therapist never asked me any of these questions. It was
eye-opening to learn about this test, and to read about how an
adverse childhood can affect us in adulthood, especially regarding
poor health. The information on this study which led to the ACE test
was first published in 1998. (I score 5-6 points out of 10). You can get your score at the link below.
https://stopabusecampaign.org/
WHAT IS THE ACE TEST?
The ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) test is a
measure of traumatic experiences that examines the relationship
between adverse childhood experiences and adult health and social
outcomes. Examples of ACEs include family separation, mental, or
physical abuse. The ACE test is based on the ACE Study conducted by
Kaiser Permanente and the CDC.
WHAT ARE ACEs?
The ACE study looks at three categories of adverse
experience: childhood abuse, which included emotional, physical, and
sexual abuse; neglect, including both physical and emotional neglect;
and household challenges, which included growing up in a household
where there was substance abuse, mental illness, violent treatment of
a mother or stepmother, parental separation/divorce or had an
incarcerated household member. Respondents were given an ACE score
between 0 and 10 based on how many of the 10 types of adverse
experiences they reported experiencing.
HOW DO ACEs IMPACT HEALTH?
Portrait of my sister, 1997/1998 chalk pastel
MY FIRST JOB
My parents never gave us “allowance” like other families we knew. Sometimes my dad would give me pocket change if I asked. I started to want more things, like new clothes, makeup, and to go snowboarding, so I decided to get a job. I applied at the local sandwich franchise, Subway. I was only 15 at the time and had no job experience. The owner didn't take me seriously at first. I figured that if I showed some effort that she would take me seriously. So I kept going back every couple of days to follow up until she hired me. Since I was under the age of 16, there were certain labor laws that applied, and my hours were limited, but I didn't mind. I was proud that I had achieved my goal against the odds, and that I could start earning some spending money for myself. I made friends with the other workers.
We used to play oldies music in the shop by order of the owner. Oldies at that time was music from the 50s and 60s, and occasionally a song or two from the 70s. Subway was conveniently located at one of the round-a-bouts, and we got a lot of foot traffic. Back then they cut the sandwich top down to make a “u” profile from bread cut out from the top. We would put the filling and then place the bread back on top. They were very specific about how we did it.
From the very first week, I started receiving unwanted attention from men who were the customers. They would order their food and then hit on me. I was only 15 and didn't know how to handle it. I would try to say no thank you, or give them a fake number. Once I just blurted out that I was only 15 and the guy turned red and ran away. This kind of attention from men was unwanted and unwarranted and unfortunately it was only the beginning of such things.
Cars would sometimes honk at me when I was outside walking, or they would shout something, like “HEY HOW YOU DOIN?” or "Smile honey!" When I was a teenager I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be a compliment or something more threatening. I just generally shrugged it off, for I didn't know what else to do. One time a guy left his business card on my car, he worked at the local piercing shop. I didn't call him.
HORSES
One friend from work also really liked horses and rode. She was part of a club, The American Morgan Horse Association Youth (or AMHA Youth). She invited me to be part of the club. I joined and started riding horses there. We helped take care of the horses (brushed them, washed them, cleaned their feet) and they taught us about the history of the Morgan breed. I also paid for private riding lessons there with my new income.
I used to beg my dad for a horse since as early as I can remember, I must have been 4 or 5. He always promised that he would buy me one, and he never did. He is the kind of person who didn't see the problem in saying yes to something, but not following through. Like the promise was enough.
As I got older I asked him for riding lessons. When we were still in Bolton, but my parents were separated, there was a year that he did take us to a private barn for riding lessons. If I was going to do it, all the siblings were going to do it (I think he wanted to prevent jealousy). After some months he told me he couldn't afford it anymore. I remember being VERY disappointed. We had been riding over ground poles, which is the step right before you learn jumping. I had really wanted to do jumping. It was satisfying when I could finally continue lessons with my own money.
ABSORBING INDIAN CULTURE
My stepmother taught me a lot about the Hindu religion and Indian culture in general. My father had pretty much assimilated into American culture for as long as I remember. He did very little to keep the traditions and language alive for us. I only ever learned a few words in his language, Tamil. He and my stepmother spoke Tamil together and I learned a bit from her. I knew that my dad respected the religion but he didn't practice it. He was more interested in the philosophy, mythology, and history of India.
My stepmom was a dedicated follower of Hinduism and she did all the daily rituals and pujas. She made a small temple in our house called a Swami room where she set up statues and pictures of all the gods and goddesses that she wanted to worship, and prayed to them daily. She taught me their names and what they represented. It was a whole other world, and much of the practice seemed somewhat magical to me. I enjoyed watching and taking part in it. Hinduism seemed more tolerant, more spiritual, and less radical than Born Again Christianity.
Ever since my mom got really into Christianity, my dad used to take us to the Hindu temple, to give us some perspective and an opposing influence. I do appreciate that he did that now. He used to say our mother was “brainwashing” us, or that she was “brainwashed.” The temple was in Ashland, an hour drive away from Gardner. It felt like a passageway into another world. There were many other Indians, many of whom were recent immigrants.
The priests recited long passages in Sanskrit, prayers to the gods. When we were little we often got bored. My sisters and I used to walk around the shrines containing the giant statues of the gods atop their holy animal. There were motion sensors in the inner corners of the building. We used to try to walk slowly and not set off the red light. Then we would go back to our dad and the priest. The priest would sometimes give us fruit which had been blessed, and we had to accept it with our right hand. It was rude to accept anything with the left hand.
We started going to the temple more regularly when I lived with my dad and stepmom. When we went I liked to dress up in the traditional Indian dress, a sari or churidar. My stepmother would have to help me with the sari, as it was a complex process.
My dad loved to talk about Hindu philosophy, mythology and lessons to be learned. He was watching the Mahabharata TV series from India on VHS repeatedly and studying it. He had many books on Hindu and Indian gods and philosophy. I learned a lot of those things from him, and we would discuss some of those topics together. While I was there I read the English translation of Ramayana and the Upanishads. I also continued to read many fiction books that I mainly obtained from the public library.
Sometimes we went into Boston to watch a spiritual guru speak. One time my dad took me to see Ravi Shankar and his daughter Anoushka play a sitar based Indian classical music concert. It was beautiful and memorable. We also attended many Indian dance recitals through their friends in the Indian community, mainly the Bharatanatyam style. I was so impressed with this that I even took some lessons in Boston. When I found out that the other kids in the dance school were an average age of 5, I stopped going.
Chess was ever present in our household. We played many games between myself, my stepmom, and my dad. They had been training since their childhood and they usually beat me.
SUE HAPPY?
My dad was what you would refer to as “sue happy.” Whenever he sees an opportunity to take someone, particularly a corporation or entity, to court for damages, he does it. One time he parked in between hurdles that were clearly marked “NO PARKING” in front of the Stop & Shop grocery store. He ran inside to get a few items. When he came out and was loading the groceries into the car, wind blew the shopping cart into the car and made a dent. He hired a lawyer and successfully sued Stop & Shop. They settled, I think it was for $500 towards repair cost, which I believe he just pocketed.
One time, my sister's friend Christian was driving me home from school. He was rear-ended and we both got mild whiplash. I thought I was fine but when I got home I felt nauseous and threw up. After that I felt better. My dad insisted that I go to the hospital. He didn't have his car at the time, it was with my stepmother at work. So he called an ambulance, even after I told him not to. He ordered me to go. I was so embarrassed, I walked myself onto the ambulance, the paramedics were looking at me like “huh?” And I was like, “yep.” I was examined at the hospital and released. He wanted to use the medical records to file injury claims with the car insurance of the person who hit us. He asked me to go to the doctor more times. I refused. I knew I was fine. So he dropped his plan. I started getting medical bills in the mail for that ambulance visit. Luckily since I was under 18, eventually the collection letters ceased.
DRIVING AND INDEPENDENCE
I wanted the freedom that came with driving, so as soon as I was able, I got my learners permit. My dad taught me how to drive on his Geo Tracker Convertible which was manual drive. It was pretty terrifying learning driving at the same time as stick shift, but my dad was encouraging and I soon got the hang of it. I also went to the local driving school for lessons. I passed the test the first time and got my drivers license right after I turned 16. My dad bought me my first car, which was the make and model I really wanted, a 1989 Volkswagen Jetta. I really loved that car and have many fond memories in it. This was in 1998, so the car was nine years old, and it cost $2,000.
Driving the VW Jetta
I was really happy to be able to drive myself to the high school, and to and from work. I reveled in my newfound freedom.
After my dad and stepmom had a second baby, they let me live in one of the upstairs apartments, so they could have more space. I liked the privacy this provided. I started making meals for myself and getting my own groceries.
I got really into snowboarding starting at fifteen years old. I started going with two friends from high school, Joe and Randy. We usually went to Wachusett Mountain which was only a 20 minute drive from Gardner. I paid for one initial lesson, and then I was self taught after that (it was too expensive for me to keep taking lessons). Joe and Randy were pretty fast on the slopes, so I had to try hard to keep up. I remember on the bunny slope looking down at the trail next to ours, which came down from the summit. People were speeding down the trail, and I dreamed to be like them. Within a couple of years I was doing it too. Joe's parents used to buy him and his siblings season passes to Wachusett. I started buying myself season passes too with the money I earned at my jobs. Once I had that I could go an unlimited number of times during the season, and I really made use of it. Sometimes I would go by myself to the mountain, and ride till the very last chair. I really liked it when there was a snowstorm and there was fresh powder. It was fun to try the jumps without landing on ice.
MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND
When I was fifteen or sixteen, my mother started dating a new man. His name was Scott, and he was a state police officer. He was married but separated from his wife. He tried to be a good influence on us girls, like a step father. He was a bigger influence on my younger sister who was still living with my mom. One winter he took us to Walt Disney World in Florida. We had never been. Most of the attractions were for younger kids, but we enjoyed the novelty of it. My sister and I had a good time. When I was a Junior in high school Scott drove me to visit some colleges and universities I was interested in. My mom was getting jealous of the attention he was giving my younger sister. She called it inappropriate. I think that she could sense him becoming disinterested in their relationship, and that was the real issue. I think Scott was a good person in general.
My younger sister and I at Disney World
Doing some important shopping in Florida
THE MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT
Scott had a triumph motorcycle. I always liked the idea of riding a motorcycle and he offered to teach me. On the very first lesson, he rode on the back and instructed me on how to ride and change gears. I was actually doing pretty well and I was happy with myself. However, some time into the lesson I took a left turn too wide and ended up driving on the dirt on the side of the road. I lost control of the bike and it tipped over. Scott took the brunt of the fall, I think intentionally. It was a compound fracture, he broke his leg in three places. I only got minor road burns, scratches, and bruises. I could see he was in a lot of pain. Someone passing by called the ambulance and he was taken to the hospital. I sent him a get well card that I made myself.
He ended up going back to his wife after this incident. I blamed myself for putting him in the hospital. I realize now I'm not really to blame. I was only 16, and he was an adult. He should have been more careful with teaching me. That motorcycle was really heavy, not good for learning. Regardless, I think he would have ended up going back to his wife anyway, this just sped up the process. I carried the guilt for many years and I'm working on forgiving myself for this event.
MORE JOBS
Eventually I got tired of working at Subway. The food was really starting to gross me out, especially being a vegetarian. My dad got me a job through his friend at a gas station. I worked as a cashier with two other guys. It was mostly transactions for gasoline, a car wash, and we sold a lot of scratch tickets. I remember this as a mostly positive experience. One of the guys used to constantly check out the women who were coming in, and comment on how they looked. He gave me a set of earrings randomly one day and I told him I couldn't accept them.
At some point I started working at another gas station that my dad's friend owned. In this one I was the only cashier. I was able to listen to any music I wanted and it wasn't very busy, so it was mostly relaxing. Sometimes the customers commented on my music choice. One guy said he used to listen to heavy music too, but as you get older you listen to more mellow stuff (if only he knew).
Eventually my stepmother told me I should work at Walmart like her. I already had heard bad things about Walmart as a corporation. How they were bad for small businesses and how they underpaid employees. She was encouraging though, so eventually I did apply and was hired. My first position was as a cashier and it was fine. Later they promoted me to customer service support. I really grew to despise that position, for all day I would only be taking returns and complaints, and people would very often lie to my face. They would say they were returning something without a receipt. They claimed it was one week old and it was clearly much older, like years older and covered in dust. I would have to call the manager. The manager always sided with the customer and gave them store credit (not cash). I started to really despise people in general while working in that department. I think the manager noticed how unhappy I was, and they moved me to lay-away. If you don't know what that is, lay-away is where you can reserve items by putting a deposit, and then come back when you have more money. You pay the remaining balance and then take it home. It was especially beneficial for purchasing items ahead of time, like Christmas presents. Many times people would forget to come back. It was very slow, and I only got happy customers there, so I enjoyed the department. I made some friends with some of the other employees. I continued to work there part-time until I graduated high school.
THE DEATH METAL DUDE
While I was working as a cashier at Walmart, a customer was talking to me who was around my age. He told me he had a band and asked me if I wanted to see them play. I asked, what kind of band was it? He told me it was DEATH METAL. I was pretty sure he was hitting on me, and I wasn't interested in him, but I was curious about the band. I agreed to watch them jam. He told me his name, James,* and he gave me his number. I did go watch them after work. They were jamming out of his house in Hubbardston, down the road from Walmart just over the Gardner line. The band wasn't very good, but I was intrigued by the death metal vocals. How did he make all those voices? I asked him how, he said he "just did it." We became friends after that. James gave me some burned CDs of music to listen to, which included Cannibal Corpse, Dimmu Borger, Deicide, and Children of Bodom. I started practicing the growl out of curiosity and to see if I could do it. I had always been a singer, from a young age since my parents took us to singing lessons. Later I was singing in my school chorus, and with my sisters at home. As a singer I wanted to understand extreme vocals and how to do it. Eventually I was able to do it. I wasn't very good, but I kept going just for fun until I got better. Sometimes I sang with James' band. He often told me he liked me, he had feelings for me, but I always refused him. I told him I just wanted to be friends. I was not attracted to him.
*(name changed to protect identity)
THE YOGA TEACHER
When I was working at the customer service desk of Walmart a handsome man with dreadlocks came in. He said his name was Jai. He was living in Hawaii but he was back in Gardner visiting family. He told me he was a yoga instructor and he asked me if I wanted to take yoga lessons with him. I asked him how much, and he said that since he was just starting, he wasn't going to charge me. So I met him at his studio, and started taking lessons with him. I was the only student there. He was very charming, and seemed worldly to me at the time. He was into hippie things, hippie music, and talked about going to something called the Rainbow Gathering. He said it was a place where all the free spirited people met and practiced peace and love. He said he would take me sometime. Once, he called me an “old soul” and kissed me on the forehead. He was in his mid twenties and I was 16. I developed a huge crush on him. He visited my house and met my dad, and my dad had no problem with me hanging out with him. If anything my dad encouraged it. My friend from school, Joe, later warned me about him. Greg had gone to school with Joe's older sisters. His name wasn't Jai, it was Greg, and he had gotten another girl pregnant in high school, and she got an abortion. He was bad news. I wasn't really sure what to think. One day Greg suddenly disappeared. He went back to Hawaii without really saying goodbye. I was heartbroken. I later found out that his friends, adults in their 20's, were giving him a hard time for hanging out with me. If I could today, I would thank them.
THE GOOD STUDENT
I continued to work hard in school in the top classes, and got all A's and B's. I was on the honor roll, and part of the National Honor Society. I committed to doing a certain amount of community service every year.
I thrived at the school, especially in math, science, and art. I joined many school clubs, like Chess Club, Art Club, and Animal Welfare Club. Zuzka started the latter as the Animal Rights Club, but they made her change the name to something less intimidating. Together we went and volunteered at the Annual Boston Veg Food Festival every year. It was an eye opening experience; watching factory farm footage, meeting other vegetarians, vegans, and like minded people.
There was never any pressure from my parents to get good grades; no reward, no threats of punishments for bad grades. Still, I could see that they were pleased when we did bring home good grades.
I thoroughly enjoyed school. I liked learning and challenging myself. It felt good being rewarded for applying myself, even if it was just kind words from teachers. I loved physics especially, and imagining outer space and where science fiction meets known science, and imagining what the future could hold. Math came easy to me. I liked that there was always more than one way to solve a problem, and you could be creative in how you solved it. The only subject I struggled with was history, but I still made an effort well enough. I liked the reading selection they gave us in English class, and the summer reading also. I remember enjoying JD Salinger, Orwell, Dostoevsky, Dickens, and Shakespeare. I also liked poetry, especially Emily Dickinson, and Lord Byron.
I was curious about theater but the drama kids were a very defined odd group and I didn't feel like I would relate to them, so I never tried out for school plays. I always loved playing music and I had studied flute from 5th-9th grade. I would have kept going with the orchestra, except they made it a requirement to join the marching band, and teenage me would have no part in wearing that horrid outfit and marching around, so I quit.
I had friends from different cliques in the school; the stoners, the preppy kids, the skaters, the punks and metal kids. I didn't feel like I belonged to any one group. If anything, it was the “artists” but that consisted only of my friends Jonathan, Justin, Mario, and myself.
Jonathan is a friend I met in art classes. We were both the top art students in our grade. Through him I met some other friends who also were also into Sailor Moon and we bonded over that. We each were given a character by our ring leader Rene (Sailor Moon). She deemed that I was most like Sailor Pluto. Pluto was the guardian of time and the outer realms. She was a lonely character who was possibly in a lesbian relationship with Sailor Uranus. This persona suited me just fine. Within our group were two gay boys, including Jonathan. Through them I was introduced to the LGBT community (as it was called then) and I went to meetups in Boston with them sometimes. I identified as bisexual. I was, and continued to be careful in outing myself because a) it's pretty easy to find relationships when you're bi b) there was a real stigma in the early 90's c) bisexuality became fetishized by straight men and I didn't need any more of that, thank you very much.
As time went on this group got into raving and doing ecstasy (MDMA), but I never participated in that with them. I was through with drugs, at least for a time. I had promised myself to stick to only natural things if I'd ever want to do it again in the future. But it was all fine, we continued hanging out in school and after school, and partying sometimes.
BECOMING FEMINIST
Junior Prom?
Zuzka and I also continued to hang out, though she was in some of the more brainier groups, like debate club. We had a lot of fun outside of school. One time we decided to drive to the ocean, just to see it. We drove an hour to the coast, dipped our toes in, and drove all the way back. We would often drive to Grasshopper in Boston, the only vegan restaurant in Massachusetts at the time. One time we mused that it would be fun to eat a cake with our bare hands, we went to the grocery store, bought one, and did just that (this must have been in middle school). Another time we mussed each other's hair up into the worst possible beehive/ messy bun we could muster up and dared each other to walk down the street with it like that. We named it “the do,” and we did. Some cars honked in amusement. Another time we were driving and we decided “fuck bras” and we hung them on the antenna of the car and enjoyed our newfound liberation. I hope every young girl will have a chance to have a best friend just like that.■
Portrait of Zuzka, 1997/1998, colored pencil
You write so well. The story telling absorbs even my mind. Thanks Pooveh. We are not so different. Shiva Shiva.
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