Part iii. My Dad, the Sex Offender
THE UNDERWORLD
I'm sharing with you my memories from my childhood, but I am also not the same person anymore at 42 years. I am taking this trip to my oldest memories and deepest subconscious levels, hoping to come out stronger and better for it.
There are a plethora of stories in mythology about a symbolic death and rebirth. A visit to Hell and back. The stories are as old as civilization itself. In Norse mythology, heaven, earth, and the underworld are all connected by a sacred tree called Yggdrasil. I think each of us has the same within us.
Our spirits can be elevated to reach the heavens, or be cast down to lowest depths of the underworld. Most of what we see in our daily lives exists on this earthly plane, though those other unseen worlds are directly impacting it. In the same way, our subconscious mind is impacting the conscious mind. We can choose to keep the subconscious hidden, or we can reveal it, and make the subconscious conscious.
When the mythological character descends into the underworld and casts off the physical self, a symbolic death occurs. Then a magical rebirth occurs in which the figure rises, rebuilds, is re-energized; stronger than ever. When we return to our roots, when we revisit our personal hells, we can also find important lessons and experience a rebirth of the self.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
C.G. Jung
THE SOCIAL WORKER
Albums of the time:
TLC - CrazySexyCool
Boys II Men - CooleyHighHarmony
Around the time we were losing our home to foreclosure, a social worker showed up. His name was David. He was assigned by the state to help us. My mom started dating him. He kept hanging out, even at the neighbors house, where we were staying for the summer. I remember walking in on them in the shower one time and it was embarrassing. I had just finished 5th grade, so I must have been around 11 years old. After the summer was over, we went to live with David. He and my mom rented an apartment in Gardner, MA, at Heywood/ Wakefield place. It's a set of old mill buildings which have been converted to apartments.
my brother's room
I had always been an avid reader, but it was around this time I really delved into books and fantasy worlds, likely as a way of escaping reality which I had no control over. I remember going to the public library and taking out 10 books at once, reading them all and going back the next week doing the same again and again. Most of my favorite books were about horses and dogs, The Black Stallion series, Big Red and other similar books, Where the Red Fern Grows, The Yearling, Watership Down, Misty of Chincoteague series, Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH and sequels. My best friend from Bolton, Sierra and I had shared a lot of the same books together, and we also wrote amateur stories of our own, and I illustrated them. After moving I didn't get to see her very often, but we did make an effort to meet whenever we could. We also kept up correspondence with letters.
I started the 6th grade at a new school system and attended Elm St. School. This
is where I made a new best friend, Zuzka. I was on the playground and
the boys were chasing the girls and trying to kiss them. I thought
those games were stupid. I saw a girl on the swings and I asked her if
she liked boys, she said no. We became good friends after that. We both
liked drawing animals, in particular dogs. Zuzka had all kinds of books about dogs. We also went to dog shows together.
One of the blessings about being in Gardner was I no longer felt like a poor kid because more kids around us were also of a similar economic background. There were a lot of troubled kids around our neighborhood and my older sister and brother, who were now teenagers, started hanging out with more dangerous kids.
THE GIFTED STUDENT
While I was at Elm St. School I was put into a gifted child program called Project Challenge with my best friend Zuzka. Through this program I wrote a short story and won first place in the statewide competition (but not at nationals). I also won some art contests, like a bookmark competition at my school. I drew a dalmation and it said "I'll keep your spot." There was also an art contest in Weekly Reader magazine.
TROUBLE AT HOME
David used to yell at my brother and sister for getting into trouble and hanging out with bad kids. My older sister would sneak out at night to go to parties. David asked me to tell him if I ever saw anything. One time my sister had friends over and they were making out. I told David and my sister got in trouble, I think she was grounded.
He used to smoke a pipe and chew tobacco in his room and the smell was pungent. He always had packs of chocolate chip cookies. He would ask my younger sister and I questions, like about school, and he would call us good girls and give us a cookie if he liked our answers. But my brother and older sister were labeled "bad." I remember feeling weird that he wanted to divide us.
Sometimes he and my mom argued. She always cooked for him, things like steaks (he liked it with A1 sauce), and mom was always subservient. He called her names, and also called my dad names like Deadbeat, SOB. When my dad came to pick us up for a weekend, my mom never let him inside, he had to wait outside for us to come out.
My older sister's doctor was concerned she was losing too much weight so they put her on an eating schedule and monitored her weight. I wonder if this was in reaction to the turmoil.
My older brother was in high school already and finding his way. A married couple from my mom's church took an interest in him and the man was a Boy Scout leader. My brother spent more and more time with the Boy Scouts and that married couple. He got new parents essentially, from my perspective. They were a proper Christian family. They helped him attend the local technical high school (Minuteman in Lexington) and helped him apply for colleges. He wanted to be an electrical engineer like my dad had been. We didn't see my brother much after that.
So my sisters and mom were alone with this guy who seemed to get angrier and more unhappy all the time. One day my mom decided to break up with him and move us away. I didn't know the reason why. Whatever the reason my mom asked my grandma again for help and this time she allowed us to come to her home in New Hampshire. My brother officially moved in with the other family so he could keep attending his technical high school. He says he didn't want to change schools. I didn't understand it at the time. I felt abandoned by my older brother, and further unprotected from life's circumstances, and my unstable mother.
MOVING TO NEW HAMPSHIRE
So we moved up to New London, NH. My grandmother had a large house on Pleasant Lake, and she also owned the property next door, which was a small cottage. She also owned a cottage on the other side of the lake through her husband, my step-grandfather. My grandmother gave us her main house to live in and she purchased and moved into another house closer to downtown New London.
Pleasant Lake
This move took place right in the middle of 7th grade, and we started at the Kearsarge Regional school system. It was jarring. The area was so rural that there were something like 5 towns attending the same school. I had to say goodbye to the new Gardner school friends after only a year and a half, and make new friends in the middle of the year at a new school. I remember not liking it. Firstly there was much less diversity than what I was used to; it was almost completely white people, and most of them were from wealthy backgrounds. I couldn't relate to them.
Prior to moving, one of my friends told me I should use this as an opportunity to level up on social order. I had a clean slate. I was attractive, I should make friends with the quote "cool" kids. So I took her advice and I narrowed in on who was the top clique of the school and attempted to befriend them. Tragically I had nothing in common with those girls. They had a different color cardigan for every outfit, and conversations with them felt empty to me. I, who had just gone through personal hell, couldn't relate. I still sat with them and we were friendly enough but there was no bond. I had been forced to leave behind all my real friends. I was the loneliest I had ever been in my life.
In the house my mom and sisters each had their own bedrooms on the main level, and I decided to move into the basement so I could have my own room too. It smelled of mildew and dryer sheets (the washer and dryer were also in the basement). I enjoyed the quiet of it. I remember spending hours just laying down on the bed and reflecting on the crazy stuff happening, and just trying to clear my head. There were a lot of abandoned paperback books in the basement, and I made some wonderful discoveries there, like Pearl S. Buck's "The Good Earth."
MY DAD GOES TO JAIL
DEPRESSION
I remember my first birthday in NH. My mom got a cake and it was just her, my sisters, and me. She didn't think to invite any friends from Massachusetts. I was very sad... As I look back and reflect, I would say I entered into a depression.
I listened to music a lot as an escape. I was listening to Jimi Hendrix (my mom had given me a VHS tape about him), Beethoven (I really like the Immortal Beloved movie and I got the soundtrack on CD) and Silverchair. There was no internet at that time, so the only way to discover music was through the radio (or music shops), which I did. I started with alternative rock/ classic rock, and I steadily moved towards hard rock, and angry girl alternative music (Alanis Morisette, Tori Amos, Tracy Bonham, etc).
I eventually gravitated to some of the more "troubled kids" at school because we could relate. My friend Marnie and Heather, who were raised by single mothers. Heather had even gone to reform school in Jamaica ( or was it Puerto Rico?) for a time. It was through her that I met some other troubled kids.
My friend Marnie had a horse which was one of my oldest dreams (since I was 5). I spent some time at her house and with her horse, and we shared our hopes and dreams for the future. She rode the same bus as us and we started sitting together in the back row. She had a step dad who was into punk rock, he was actually nice and cool. He showed us some bands like Bad Religion. Marnie used to cry over emotional music, like Jewel "Made for you," I thought she was lovely. I was already pretty emotionally shut down myself. To me she was some magical, ethereal being. I was enamored of her. I also had a friend Kate whose parents were both teachers. She was very into art and music also and we bonded over that.
I would see my best friend Zuzka whenever I was in Gardner visiting my Dad every other weekend. I also went to visit my best friend Sierra whenever our parents could arrange it. We met for pizza, or I'd spend a couple days at her house. We still kept in touch, and I missed her a lot. Her older brother got me into some good music, like Tori Amos, and encouraged me to listen to the classic rock stations, which I did.
My older sister was deep in the 90's hip hop, R&B, and rap scene, and she would tease us for liking what she liked, so as I got older, I purposefully made it my mission to listen to music far different from hers.
MY DAD MARRIES HIS NIECE
When I was 12 years old, my dad went back to India to visit family. He called us one day and told us he got married. He hadn't notified us in advance, and we weren't invited. We were shocked. He made it sound like his mom, my grandma, made it happen and it was out of his control. It was an arranged marriage. He told us he married his sister's daughter, my first cousin, who was 25 years younger than him.* I was embarrassed and ashamed by this. I think we all realized that incestual marriage was taboo in America, we kept it secret within the family.
My stepmom came to live with him in Gardner soon after. She didn't speak much English and was very shy initially. She called my dad "MAMA" which in Tamil means uncle. They may have seen this marriage as "normal" in their culture, but it seemed predatory to me. She was much younger than my dad and inexperienced, and he had known her since she was a young girl. It felt like she was being taken advantage of.
To give this part of the story context, so-called "cousin marriages" have been a part of South Indian culture and tradition for centuries. They are often seen as a way to maintain family and community ties and strengthen family relationships.
MY SISTER'S ABUSIVE BOYFRIENDS
In high school my sister had some abusive boyfriends. The first was Chris, a guy she met at a hip hop dance
club who was a couple years older than her. He was a toxic person with mental health issues, self diagnosed with OCD. He could be sweet, but he could also be
super negative and creepy. He would break up with my sister and get back together with her again and again, and made her cry often. One time she got tired of it and stayed broken up.
One
of them was Jeff who was 21, and she was 16. My mother didn't stop this
from happening. He would come over and stay in my sister's room. He was predatorial and a very negative and toxic person. He also made my sister cry often. He would say really off things
sometimes and liked to tease my younger sister and I, just to get a
reaction. One of the things he teased me about was music, and he
recommended more albums for me which was a good thing in the end because
I was exposed to more music, like Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots,
Soundgarden, Nirvana, etc. It was 1996, the height of grunge. I think he was the one who told
me to sign up for one of those music clubs where you'd get 10 CDs for
$1. If you read the fine print in the paper, you are actually obligated
to buy a certain amount of CDs after that. The company called to collect
one day. I told them I was 14, and they didn't call anymore after
that. Like with the last guy, I
avoided being around him. Consciously I made a promise to myself to
never date men like those.
One time we were driving somewhere and Jeff took my shoe off and threw it out the window, for no reason. I had to get out and find it. Whenever I saw his car parked outside the house, I'd decide to go take a walk in the woods, to not see him. I liked the beautiful nature all around us, it was calm and soothing. Our house was surrounded by woods and the lake. The road we lived on was a dirt road... that's how rural it was. Sometimes I would walk to one of my grandma's cottages and let myself in, to be alone. There was a TV and a radio. Sometimes I walked around the lake completely, if I had all day to do it.
In the winter it snowed a lot up there and they almost never cancelled school. We would have to walk down the road through all kinds of weather to get to the bus stop. There was no "man of the house" so my sisters and I did all the shoveling of the long walkway, and digging out of my mom's car. In the summer we had to mow the lawn, and in the fall rake the leaves.
My younger sister and I got closer during this time. We were sharing books together, Clan of the Cave bear and sequels, and I got really into vampire books and Anne Rice, which we were sharing together (after having watched and loved Interview with the Vampire). We were also reading The People of The Earth series by the Gears. I used to watch the sunset as I was reading and would often read through the night and watch the sun rise again before going to sleep.
My younger sister and I got into some TV series together, Star Trek TNG and DSN, Hercules, Xena, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We also watched the animated series Conan the Barbarian and Ronin Warriors on TV, the latter of which was my first exposure to anime (which I later got deep into). I also got really into some very campy vampire shows, First Knight and Kindred; the Embraced. First Knight only aired at midnight once a week, the last program of the day on Fox. I would stay up just to watch it, and after it ended the national anthem played and the TV cut to static.
1996, I was 14 years old
GRANDMA
My grandmother would stop by the house sometimes, but all she would do is scold us for the house being messy, and she would say we were spoiled and lazy, and not doing enough around the house. I don't remember a single kind word out of her mouth. One time she asked me if I was anorexic (I was 12!) and I didn't know what that was, but she made me self-conscious about my looks. I think she was jealous? Anyway, she was not a nice person. She was an alcoholic and she chain-smoked cigarettes. She and my step grandfather went to Florida every winter in their elder years. My mom and her siblings have had the trauma passed on to them from my Grandfather's death (my mom was 16) and my grandmother's drinking problem.
MY DAD SLEEPS WITH A 15 YEAR OLD AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
When I was turning 15 I decided to have my birthday party at my dad's house. I invited all my old friends from Gardner, and one of the girls brought a friend of hers I didn't know well. All of us left after the party was winding down, but the girl couldn't find a ride home. That girl ended up staying over and having sex with my dad. We didn't know about it. She told her parents, or somehow they found out after she went home. They pressed charges and my dad got in trouble for statutory rape. It was his first sex offense so he was sentenced to one year of house arrest only. He was also placed on the registry of sex offenders. He had a tracking bracelet on his ankle to monitor his whereabouts, and he met regularly with his probation officer.
I remember waking up that morning and getting calls from my friends. Did you hear what happened? I was shocked and mortified, and also felt guilty that I had invited friends over to my dad's house and that happened.
At the time I believed his version of events. He said that she was coming on to him, and he tried to refuse her. Today I recognize him as a sexual predator, and I think he invents his own realities and ways of justifying things which he probably even believes. My mom says he used to hit on the teenage babysitters when we lived in Bolton. They complained to her that he made them feel uncomfortable. I myself have witnessed my dad making young women uncomfortable, and it makes me uncomfortable watching it. I told him to stop many times. I can only imagine what he does when no one is watching.
My stepmom was in India still waiting for her visa to come over at the time. She was rightfully thoroughly embarrassed by this. When she did finally make it to the U.S. my dad was on house arrest.
Every year thereafter my birthday has been a reminder of this dark memory, and the painful isolation of some of those years. I either get really down on my birthday or I try to distract myself with some activities as much as possible.
MY SISTER GOES ABROAD
My older sister decided to study abroad her senior year of high school, she says partially to escape her ex-boyfriends. She went to Ecuador and it was a transformative experience. She came back totally changed. She attributes this in part to her host family. She says it was the first time she had responsible adults looking after her and caring for her, and also it was a journey of self discovery away from our family of origin. She was accepted to college at the University of Puget Sound in Washington. She studied biology, and later went to medical school and became a doctor.
Unfortunately for me, I felt pretty stuck in NH. I didn't like the school, and there was nothing to do outside of experiencing nature (which is very beautiful and I appreciate it much more now). For instance, you had to drive an hour to get to a movie theater.
ACTING OUT
I fought a lot with my mom. I didn't respect her and it was hard for me to be around her. She was mostly absent yet she didn't let me go to concerts or anything fun. I blamed her for us being in New Hampshire. I begged her to let me move in with my dad in Massachusetts. She told me to try the high school for one year and we'd see.
My mom was very depressed after this move to my grandmother's house. She would either take long walks for hours, or she would lock herself in her room and walk on the treadmill for hours in front of a tv. She liked talk shows like Ricky Lake and Jerry Springer. She didn't really take care of us or pay attention to us. When we weren't listening enough, she called my aunt Cathy to come over to discipline us. Cathy was a tough cookie and we usually listened to her.
No one was cooking proper meals in the house. We were cooking our own food (trying anyway), or warming up frozen TV dinners. Mom's shopping style was weird, and later I learned the terms compulsive shopper/ hoarder which could be applied. When there would be a sale, like on beef stew she would buy 30 cans of the same thing. So we had to get creative in the kitchen. My sisters and I started making pastries, first with box cakes, and eventually from recipes. She didn't work usually, but sometimes she worked part-time at a grocery store. She was collecting disability and welfare with food stamps.
My mom mostly mentally checked out at this time. She had a clear container of prescription medicines she took daily with the days of the week written on it.
My mom's weight ballooned starting from the divorce and losing the Bolton house, and when we moved to NH it only got worse. She got up to 300 pounds. She would binge eat. She would also go on fad diets, like Slimfast and Weight Watchers. She was an emotional eater. One time I woke up at night and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. My mom was sitting on the ground crying and eating a gallon of ice cream, uncontrollably. It was a disturbing sight. I swore to myself I'd never be like her. I secretly worried that I could be.
Around that time my younger sister and I started being more careful about our weight, probably after watching my mom's issues. This was in the 90's at the height of Kate Moss and the 'heroin chic' fashion craze. We had magazines like Sassy, Teen, and Seventeen which were probably influencing us. We tried a sugar free diet, fat free eating, and at last we tried eating all natural and organic food. That one stuck, because it felt healthy and sustainable. My younger sister also got a book about Macrobiotic cooking which further influenced us. She also was studying herbalism.
Admittedly, I did go through some kind of eating disorder phase around this time. It was about making sure I was in control of this one thing, as I couldn't control anything else. I did an experiment to see how long I could go without eating, only drinking water or Cool-Aid (I know, right??). I made it 3 days. Another time I tried only eating cream of wheat and drinking water for a week. I think I proved to myself that I was in control (not like my mom) and I slowly ate more normally again.
VEGETARIANISM
When I was 12 years old, my sister and I decided to go vegetarian for a New Year's resolution. It had been something we were curious about anyway. I had always felt weird caring about animals, considering some the best of friends, while also eating them. So why were some friends and some food? I never went back to eating meat again. An unexpected side effect was I felt much lighter and healthier after quitting meat.
THE HIGH SCHOOL
I started school at Kearsarge Regional High School. I knew I was very interested in art at that point, but sadly the art teacher at the high school was NOT very friendly or encouraging. He was working his last year before retiring and you could feel that he didn't care about the students. I applied myself in my classes, but I was so often distracted or bored. I got a C for the first time in my life, in American Government class. It was hard to pay attention and remember, it was all names and dates and I wasn't good at remembering names and dates.
That year a black family moved to the area from North Carolina, the only ones at the school, and we all
became friends. Unfortunately there were some racist comments directed
towards them from some horrible kids. The boys used to play chess with us. I mainly befriended older sister Jerry, who was a lovely and sweet person and had a wonderful
singing voice.
I had my first real boyfriend in 9th grade, Brandon. I had my first kiss. Eventually I wasn't feeling the relationship and I broke it off.
I went to my first concert (of my choosing) in the 9th grade. It was the rock band Bush, and all-female act Veruca Salt were opening. I remember being really impressed with Veruca Salt... I got the album and listened to them after. There weren't very many women in rock music, so they were a good role model for me at the time.
EXPERIMENTING WITH DRUGS
I was hanging out a lot with my friend Heather and her friends. She would have parties sometimes when her mom was out of town. I went through an experimental drug phase (at 13 and 14 years old). I tried weed, though I didn't like the paranoia, I kept trying it. I did acid (LSD) with Heather and her friends. One of her friends Misty boasted to have done acid over 20 times. I was still visiting my dad in Gardner every other weekend. I took Heather and Misty one time and we did acid there. The first time we shared a tab, so it was very weak and only had a slight effect. The second time we each took a tab. It was called "Jesus Christ" and it was very strong. I was laughing a lot at the hallucinations, the wobbly streetlights and signs. Heather wanted to go hang out downtown. I didn't want to but I followed along. That's when I started having a bad trip. There were a lot of shady characters hanging around. There was a clock on a building and I was watching the hands move, and my perception of time was distorted. I started worrying if I could breathe. Then I felt like I had no face. Luckily one of my friends, Sheldon, noticed I was freaking out. He took me into the pizza place and calmed me down. After that I had a better time. I really liked the visual effect at night time. We moved closer to the woods and I was really enjoying nature through a different lens. I remember looking at the sky and being blown away. I never noticed how the sky is not one color, it is a million dots of colors together, like tiny paint drops. Hallucinating as an artist is really unreal, and the visions stay with you after. That night as I was sleeping on my dad's couch I cried. I had a feeling of a hangover, it was very chemical and unnatural. I knew that all this was too much for me at the time, and I wasn't really ready to break my mind open like that. I never did acid again. I swore to myself I would only do natural things like weed and mushrooms. It was another 10 years before I would try mushrooms, and weed smoking continued but rarely.
NOWHERE TO GO, BUT ANYWHERE IS BETTER THAN HERE
I was fighting more and more with my mom. I felt trapped by her, and miserable where we were. I told her one time I hated her. At that point she finally allowed me to move in with my dad in Gardner.■
Some comments from my siblings:
My older sister tells me the reason my mom and David broke up, is because there was a really bad fight. David was saying bad things about my brother, calling him names, and my sister was defending him. My mom did nothing. My sister got fed up and walked to our dad's house. She refused to go back to the house unless David would be gone. My sister says that is the reason, but my mom would have to comment on that.
My brother remembers the Christian church as being helpful to him. He is still the only one of us siblings to practice Christianity. He also doesn't remember David as being abusive.
update: removed photo of my stepmom per her request
*correction, my stepmom is 22 years younger than my dad, not 25 years.
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