Introduction

The Unnamed Thing

All my life I have been running from something. It is unrelenting. It is tireless. It terrorizes me, especially in the quiet moments of life. Just when I think it has gone and I escaped, it rears its ugly head again. Even now, it has me in its jaws. I cannot escape it. I realize now the only way to defeat it is to name it, and to face it.

I am speaking about complex trauma and CPTSD.

"Complex trauma describes both children’s exposure to multiple traumatic events—often of an invasive, interpersonal nature—and the wide-ranging, long-term effects of this exposure. These events are severe and pervasive, such as abuse or profound neglect. They usually occur early in life and can disrupt many aspects of the child’s development and the formation of a sense of self. Since these events often occur with a caregiver, they interfere with the child’s ability to form a secure attachment. Many aspects of a child’s healthy physical and mental development rely on this primary source of safety and stability."

NCTSN.org

In adulthood I have gone through counseling with a great therapist, and have also done my own research. It has given me insight into this condition. At last I have a name for it, and vocabulary to describe what I feel. Much of the healing work that is needed must come from within. For me to move past this I must first acknowledge and re-frame what happened to me in childhood.

 

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So... What Happened?

Well, it's a long story. It's difficult to piece together because so much happened, it's compartmentalized even in my own head. Some big events, some small. Definitely neglect and traumas occurring from instability of both parents and also their untreated/ poorly treated mental illnesses and conditions. All of this led to an overwhelming sense of powerlessness and lack and security in childhood. It is too much to name here, so here is an overview of the biggest traumatic events (from about 5 years old to 15 years old):

• The killing of our childhood dogs by my parents
• Parents fighting and eventual divorce
• Our mom kidnapping us, childhood homelessness
• A stint at a cult-like private Christian school
• Losing our childhood home (due to foreclosure)
• Dad giving away our dog without telling us
• My mom dating our social worker (who was abusive)
• My older brother leaving us to live with another family
• A lot of moving and changing schools
• My dad's engineering company going bankrupt
• My dad going to jail for not paying his employees
• Financial instability, poverty
• My dad getting re-married to his niece (my cousin), doesn't tell us till after
• Witnessing my older sister with abusive boyfriends
• My dad statutorily raping a 15 year old girl
• My dad on house arrest for one year

I have never spoken publicly about this, and honestly, it's really hard to do. Very few people know the whole picture. Only those who were there and a few very dear friends and partners, with whom I have held vulnerable conversations in quiet hours. It has taken me decades to be able to process and acknowledge. 

 

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For me CPTSD expresses itself via emotional dysregulation, numbness, periods of depression, negative self talk, getting easily distracted or overwhelmed, hyper vigilance, dissociation (feeling distant and not in my body). I have a lot of shame, fear for the future, and repressed anger which I'm working to let go of.

I'm very good at composing myself regardless of what's happening within. I'm able to be professional, do jobs, take care of my family, and follow my dreams. But there is this whole process going on underneath and it can be exhausting to manage.

I'm a mother myself now, and I am really invested in my healing journey. I am committed to not repeating the cycles of inter-generational trauma which have been passed down to me. For this reason, and for myself, I'm embarking on this journey of self healing. I'm writing down these words, perhaps poorly, with all the blood and dirt that will come along with it. ■